Techno-tantrum

Technology, usually my saving grace. It's what is making this blog possible, it's what fuels my career. It keeps me connected, in a world where interpersonal social contact, is sadly, rare. However, technology also led to my downfall, of sorts.
My downfall, if you really can call it that, was actually a long time coming. It just happened to burst onto the scene thanks to technology, or a text message to be more exact.Please tell me why, why is there not an unsend option on my phone?

...Rewind...

From personal experience, and life as experienced by friends, I can give you a million reasons on why falling in love with a friend is a bad idea. I could have given you half of those reasons before I actually even experienced this mess, but as the days go on, more and more reasons keep piling up.

I knew I was making a critical error, but for some reason I could not stop myself. My friend, my best friend, had somehow managed to walk away with my heart, and left me completely blindsided.

I kept my feelings to myself, as I often do. Emotions on lock down, thanks to a deep set irrational fear of rejection. The days passed on, and I spent more and more time with my friend, wishing I could say something. I was able to discuss my feeling with everyone but him, which was odd, because it is he, who I normally tell everything to.

Every time, I opened my mouth to tell him, full blown panic attacked my entire form. Vocal cords ceased to work, an my heart was sent into overdrive. I tried so many times, and to no avail, I never spoke up.

The seasons were changing, my feelings for him were the only concrete stability I could find in my life. When I tried to distance myself from him, I realised the pathetic truth was, I could not walk away. I had to tell him how I felt, and to me that felt impossible.

I considered writing him a letter, but in turn only killed a tree. I wound up with a mountain of crumpled up notebook paper, rising from my trash can. I could not find the words to say, or a delicate way to go about approaching the topic.

I was, and still am a coward. As the weeks continued to fly by, change was in the air. Life, and a choice person, rocked my foundation. I realized it was now or never, and the pressure was mounting.

Thanks to the pressure, the fear, and the unknown: I made an epic fail.
I professed my feelings to my friend in a text message. A text message. Way to go me for taking the most cowardly route, classy, huh? Did I mention he was sitting not even two feet in front of me when i sent the text message. Even better.
In roughly 500 characters, I put my heart on the line. At least I had finally spoken up, and we could finally talk about it, right?

No, wrong.

What could be the most important text message I ever send, solicited a 5 word response. "Yeah, we should talk later". Time has continued on, as it always does, but "later" has yet to come, it's apparently MIA. Thanks to that damn text message, I actually feel worse off than I did before I ever hit that effing send button. What was I thinking? How could I have been so dumb.

I realise that I am most likely being way to hard on myself, but that's what I do. Now that he knows how I feel, nothing has changed, and that's what bothers me. Regardless, I know he will always be a part of my life, always a friend, but it hurts that he will not even discuss this matter with me. It's like he just wants to forget it ever happened, fail to remember that I ever dropped the "L" word.
I'm still here, picking up the pieces. I know that this whole situation has changed me, and I'm not sure if it's for the better or worse. The most pathetic thing about it all? I won't stop loving him, I won't stop being his friend, and I won't walk away. Because, no matter what he does, I can't.


... I'm in to deep, and I am blaming technology for giving me the capability to send that message, because it's easier than blaming myself.