Techno-tantrum

Technology, usually my saving grace. It's what is making this blog possible, it's what fuels my career. It keeps me connected, in a world where interpersonal social contact, is sadly, rare. However, technology also led to my downfall, of sorts.
My downfall, if you really can call it that, was actually a long time coming. It just happened to burst onto the scene thanks to technology, or a text message to be more exact.Please tell me why, why is there not an unsend option on my phone?

...Rewind...

From personal experience, and life as experienced by friends, I can give you a million reasons on why falling in love with a friend is a bad idea. I could have given you half of those reasons before I actually even experienced this mess, but as the days go on, more and more reasons keep piling up.

I knew I was making a critical error, but for some reason I could not stop myself. My friend, my best friend, had somehow managed to walk away with my heart, and left me completely blindsided.

I kept my feelings to myself, as I often do. Emotions on lock down, thanks to a deep set irrational fear of rejection. The days passed on, and I spent more and more time with my friend, wishing I could say something. I was able to discuss my feeling with everyone but him, which was odd, because it is he, who I normally tell everything to.

Every time, I opened my mouth to tell him, full blown panic attacked my entire form. Vocal cords ceased to work, an my heart was sent into overdrive. I tried so many times, and to no avail, I never spoke up.

The seasons were changing, my feelings for him were the only concrete stability I could find in my life. When I tried to distance myself from him, I realised the pathetic truth was, I could not walk away. I had to tell him how I felt, and to me that felt impossible.

I considered writing him a letter, but in turn only killed a tree. I wound up with a mountain of crumpled up notebook paper, rising from my trash can. I could not find the words to say, or a delicate way to go about approaching the topic.

I was, and still am a coward. As the weeks continued to fly by, change was in the air. Life, and a choice person, rocked my foundation. I realized it was now or never, and the pressure was mounting.

Thanks to the pressure, the fear, and the unknown: I made an epic fail.
I professed my feelings to my friend in a text message. A text message. Way to go me for taking the most cowardly route, classy, huh? Did I mention he was sitting not even two feet in front of me when i sent the text message. Even better.
In roughly 500 characters, I put my heart on the line. At least I had finally spoken up, and we could finally talk about it, right?

No, wrong.

What could be the most important text message I ever send, solicited a 5 word response. "Yeah, we should talk later". Time has continued on, as it always does, but "later" has yet to come, it's apparently MIA. Thanks to that damn text message, I actually feel worse off than I did before I ever hit that effing send button. What was I thinking? How could I have been so dumb.

I realise that I am most likely being way to hard on myself, but that's what I do. Now that he knows how I feel, nothing has changed, and that's what bothers me. Regardless, I know he will always be a part of my life, always a friend, but it hurts that he will not even discuss this matter with me. It's like he just wants to forget it ever happened, fail to remember that I ever dropped the "L" word.
I'm still here, picking up the pieces. I know that this whole situation has changed me, and I'm not sure if it's for the better or worse. The most pathetic thing about it all? I won't stop loving him, I won't stop being his friend, and I won't walk away. Because, no matter what he does, I can't.


... I'm in to deep, and I am blaming technology for giving me the capability to send that message, because it's easier than blaming myself.

Let's Induce A Coma...

... with L-tryptophan.

[[but really everyone happy turkey day]]

... A few weeks ago, I was spending a much needed weekend away with my full on compadre.We dominated a few rounds of pong, and in need of adventure, decided to head uptown. We were stuck outside of a bar that we frequented, patiently waiting to get inside, so we could get our dance on.
While waiting in line, a wannabe debutante comes storming out the door, with her obviously irritated boyfriend in tow. She looks a hot mess, and as she is sulking down the street, she just starts screaming. "Who do they think they are?, I mean really, who do they think they are? Don't they know this dress is from Saks, a $500 dollar dress, and they spill their drink on me?"
Her rant continues on down the block with her, until it is at an inaudible distance from me. As she disappears, I just smile. You see, she was wearing these atrocious brown boots, that did not even match, and looked terrible with her $500 dollar dress. ...

Thinking back on this night, really makes me thankful that I have style. More importantly the class to know that the most important things in my life are worth so much more than a designer dress. I'm a lucky girl, whose life happens to suck at times, but lucky none the less. I have the most amazing friends, and I get to be a part of so many crazy adventures with them.

...P to the S...
I am also thankful for Xanex, with Turkey Day and extended family approaching in T-Minus 16 hours.

Heaven Is For Losers...

... all the cool people are going to Mer-Land.

I'm a full on practicing agnostic individual. I am not saying I am against Christianity or any other other religious sector. It's just not for me, and I am really not sure what is. I have spent alot of time researching and taking different religion "test drives". All I have found? A bunch of hypocrisy, and outlandish prophecies and promises.


So, Merland. My own personal realm.
You see, I have decided that this is where I will be hanging out after I die.
Merland is awesometastical, you just get to swim around all day in the sub tropic waters, and enjoy yourself. The Mer-weed is beast, and the Mer-cahol is sure to get you drunk. Everything you could ever want is right at your fingertips, and anything you do has no consequences.

My platonic soul mate, and I spend alot of time describing Mer-land to others, and recruiting fellow Mer-maids and Mer-men to devote their eternity to this awesome land. As you can imagine, we get alot of skepticism and strange looks. I take it in stride, because Mer-Land is no different than Heaven. It's a crutch to make death seem less tragic, and to cushion our souls from the blow of the unknown. Essentially, everyone creates their own identity, and mine just involves ending in a mystical place, called Mer-land. Your more than welcome to come swim with me.

Sidenote: On the off chance that there is a God, I'm going to hell.

Life. Whoah, what a concept...

... I bet a million people currently are sitting around thinking about the meaning of life. An age old question, that is only for you, and you alone to answer.
In my own slanted personal reality, I think the only point in life is finding the excitement of it all...
which leads to the entire point of this blog.

...Rewind about two weeks:

It's about 4:20 in the morning. I am sitting on the floor with my full on compadre, and another close friend. The ideas are flowing, and the three of us are working our creative juices to the max, and I launch into story mode. You see, this is what I do, I paint pictures with words, I turn the mundane events of life into entertaining monologues. You see, I find the excitement in life. 4:47 AM: New aspiration: Share the excitement with the world...

I have seen a few things, and I am sure I will see a few more. So sit back,and enjoy the randomocity of my own life, a maybe, just maybe, a few things of importance.



Project LiLi: engage.
(the only point of Project LiLi is to to share my random thoughts, day to day experiences,and stands on current issues. Oh, and the occasional rant)